Tuesday, July 15, 2008

just sent my bro and sis in law off to their honeymoon at maldives.....and met with that incident... he was a middle aged man... indian... having high glucose levels and experienced a heart by-pass... he had and acute heart failure.... my bro and sis in law performed CPR and some life saving procedures... even used the Electrical cardioversion if i am not wrong.... even constant pumping of the chest did not work.... more than 15 mins passed... i knew he was not going to make it.... yes... life is so fragile.... my mum said too bad their didn't manage to save him... or else they will be in the papers... but then i didn't think it like that.... i know that if it was me there... if i were a doctor....i would have cried not being able to save him.... seeing this made me feel so small... so helpless... cos i gave that dream up.... i can never be that person... i will just be who i was today... a spectator..... did i make a wrong decision? is it too late? i keep telling myself... i am too emotional and not calm enough to be a doctor.... i always use the excuse of having a phobia in seeing blood... but i know that is not all that true..... i just wanna hide from asking myself the same question again and again.... did i make the right choice? is this what i REALLY want? Is this just a short term passion? then why do i feel so weird.... why do i envy so much.....do i even have what it takes....will i be happier?

8:58 pm